ALICE IN WONDERLAND - PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010 - ACT 10

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010

ACT 10

Alice appears in a garden there is a big rose tree and three cards are painting its white roses red.

ALICE: Of all the silly nonsense, this is the stupidest tea party I’ve ever been to in all my life. Well, I’ve had enough nonsense. I’m going home. Straight home. That rabbit. Who cares where he’s going anyway. Why, if it hadn’t been for him I... (noticing the three Card painters) Oh!

CARD PAINTERS: (Singing) Da dee dee da da da, Doodle de do, dee do dee do, bum bum bum bum, Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red, we cannot stop or waste a drop, so let the painting spread. We’re painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red! Painting the roses red...

ALICE: Oh, pardon me, but mister Three, why must you paint them red?

THREE: Huh? Oh! Well, the fact is, miss, we planted the white roses by mistake. And, the queen she likes them red. If she saw what we said, she’d raise her voice and each of us would quickly loose his head.

ALICE: Goodness!

CARD PAINTERS: (Singing) Since this is that what we dread, we’re painting the roses red!

ALICE: Oh dear! Then let me help you!

ALICE and CARD PAINTERS: (Singing) We’re painting the roses red. Don’t tell the queen what you have seen, we’re painting the roses red...

ALICE: (Singing) Yes, painting the roses red...

CARD PAINTERS: (Singing) Not pink, not green...

ALICE: (Singing) Not aqua-marine...

ALICE and CARD PAINTERS: (Singing) We’re painting the roses red!

CARD PAINTERS: The Queen! The Queen! And they throw themselves to the ground.

ALICE: The Queen!

CARD PAINTERS: The Queeeen! ...

QUEEN: Cards, halt! Count off!

ALICE: The rabbit!

WHITE RABBIT: He...he... her imperial highness, he... her grace, her excellency, her royal majesty, the Queen of Hearts! (looking at the King in a despective way) And the King...

QUEEN: (Shouting angrily) Hum... Who’s been painting my roses red? Who’s been painting my roses red? Who dares to taint, with vulgar paint, the royal flower bed? For painting my roses red, someone will lose his head!

THREE: Oh, no! Your majesty! Please, it’s all his fault!

TWO: Not me, your grace! The Ace, the Ace!

QUEEN: You?

ACE: No, Two!

TWO: Not me, the Three!

QUEEN: That’s enough! Off with their heads!

ALICE: Oh, please, please! They were only trying to...

QUEEN: And who is this?

KING: Uh... well, well, well, now, eh... let me see, my dear. It certainly isn’t a heart... do you suppose it’s a club?

QUEEN: Why, it’s a little girl.

ALICE: Yes, and- and I was hoping...

QUEEN: (With a demanding voice) Look up, speak nicely, and don’t twiddle your fingers! Turn out your toes. Curtsey. Open your mouth a little wider, and always say ‘yes, your majesty’!

ALICE: Yes, your majesty!

QUEEN: Hmhmhmhm. Now, um, where do you come from, and where are you going?

ALICE: Well, um, I’m trying to find my way home...

QUEEN: Your way? All ways here are my ways!

ALICE: Well, yes, I know, but I was just thinking...

QUEEN: Curtsey while you’re thinking, it saves time.

ALICE: Yes, your majesty, but I was only going to ask...

QUEEN: I’ll ask the questions! Do you play croquet?

ALICE: Why, yes, your majesty.

QUEEN: Then let the game begin!

KING: In your places, in your places, By order of the king! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

QUEEN: Shuffle deck! Cards cut! Deal cards! Cards, halt! ... Silence! Pfwfwfwfw! ... Off with his head!

KING: Off with his head, off with his head! By order of the king. You heard what she said!

QUEEN: You’re next!

ALICE: Oh, but...

QUEEN: Hahaha... my dear.

The Queen starts playing and she turns. Suddenly the Cheshire cat appears.

CHESHIRE CAT: La la la da da dum... la la la hmm... I say, how are you getting on?

ALICE: Not at all.

CHESHIRE CAT: Beg your pardon?

ALICE: I said ‘not at all’! (Angrily)

QUEEN: Who are you talking to?

ALICE: Oh, uh... a cat, your majesty!

QUEEN: Cat? Where? (The cat is hiding behind the Queen).

ALICE: There! Oh... Oh there he is again!

QUEEN: I warn you child, if I loose my temper, you loose your head, understand?

The Queen turns down and the cat tries to hit her on her bump.

ALICE: No, no, no! Stop! Oh no!

The cat kicks her and the Queen falls over. The cat disappears quickly.

KING: Oh dear! Save the queen!

QUEEN: Someone’s head will roll for this! Yours! (pointing at Alice) Off with her...

KING: But- but consider, my dear. Couldn’t she have a trial... uh... first?

QUEEN: Trial?

KING: Well, just a... uh... little trial? Hmm?

QUEEN: Hmm. Very well then. Let the trial begin!

WHITE RABBIT: Huh... your majesty... members of the jury... loyal subjects...

KING: A-hem...

WHITE RABBIT: ...and the king. The prisoner is charged with enticing her majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of croquet, and thereby willfully...

ALICE: But...

WHITE RABBIT: ...and with malice, teasing, tormenting, and otherwise annoying arb...

QUEEN: Don’t mind all that! Get to the part where I loose my temper.

WHITE RABBIT: Bwbwbwl... thereby causing the queen to loose her temper.

QUEEN: Now, Ha ha... are you ready for your sentence?

ALICE: Sentence? Ah, but there must be a verdict first!

QUEEN: Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.

ALICE: But that just isn’t the way!

QUEEN: All ways are...

ALICE: Your ways, your majesty.

QUEEN: Yes, my child. Off with her...

ALICE: Oh, pooh. (Looking at the cards) I’m not afraid of you! Why, you’re nothing but a pack of cards!

CARDS: Huh?

ALICE: And as for you, your majesty! Your majesty indeed! Why, you’re not a queen, but just a fat, pompous, bad tempered old ty- tyrant...

QUEEN: Hmhmhmhm... and uh... what were you saying, my dear? Off with her head!

KING: You heard what her majesty said! Off with her head! ...

Alice starts running and all of them run after her.

END OF ACT 10