ALICE IN WONDERLAND - PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010 - ACT 9

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010

ACT 9

Alice appears on the stage, there is a big table and on the table lots of cups and saucers, teapots and coffeepots. By the table, the March Hare and the Mad Hatter are singing a song.

MARCH HARE: ...to us. A very know what day today is tea forget of us??

MAD HATTER: A very merry unbirthday...

MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday...

MAD HATTER & MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday to us! ...

MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday to me.

MAD HATTER: To who?

MARCH HARE: To me.

MAD HATTER: Oh you!

MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday to you.

MAD HATTER: Who, me?

MARCH HARE: Yes, you.

MAD HATTER: Oh me!

MARCH HARE: Let's all congratulate us with another cup of tea, a very merry unbirthday to you!

Alice tries to get close to the table but they don´t let her.

MARCH HARE & MAD HATTER: No room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room, no room!

ALICE: But I thought there was plenty of room!

MARCH HARE: Ah, but it’s very rude to sit down without being invited!

MAD HATTER: I say it’s rude. It’s very very rude, indeed! Hah!

DORMOUSE: Very very very rude, indeed...

ALICE: Oh, I’m very sorry, but I did enjoy your singing and I wondered if you could tell me...

MARCH HARE: You enjoyed our singing?

MAD HATTER: Oh, what a delightful child! Hah! I’m so excited, we never get compliments! You must have a cup of tea!

MARCH HARE: Ah, yes indeed! The tea, you must have a cup of tea!

ALICE: That would be very nice. I’m sorry I interrupted your birthdayparty... uh, thank you.

MARCH HARE: Birthday? Hahaha! My dear child, this is not a birthday party!

MAD HATTER: Of course not! Hehehe! This is an unbirthdayparty!

ALICE: Unbirthday? Why, I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand.

MARCH HARE: It’s very simple. Now, thirty days have sept- no, when... an unbirthday, if you have a birthday then you... haha... she doesn’t know what an unbirthday is!

MAD HATTER: How silly! Ha HA Ha Ha! Ah-hum... I shall ellusinate! Now statistics prove, prove that you’ve one birthday.

MARCH HARE: Imagine, just one birthday every year.

MAD HATTER: Ahhh, but there are 364 unbirthdays!

MARCH HARE: Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer!

ALICE: Why, then today is my unbirthday too!

MARCH HARE: It is?

MAD HATTER: What a small world this is.

MARCH HARE: In that case... a very merry unbirthday.

ALICE: To me?

MAD HATTER: To you!

MARCH HARE: A very merry unbirthday (and he gives Alice a birthday cake)

ALICE: For me?

MAD HATTER: For you! Now blow the candle out, my dear and make your wish come true! He he he!

ALICE: Oh, that was lovely!

MAD HATTER: And uh, and now my dear, hehe, uh... you were saying that you would like to sit uh...?  hehe!

ALICE: Oh, yes. You see, I’m looking for a...

MAD HATTER: Clean cup, clean cup! Move down!

ALICE: But I haven’t used my cup!

MARCH HARE: Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down,!

MAD HATTER: Would you like a little more tea?

ALICE: Well, I haven’t had any yet, so I can’t very well take more...

MARCH HARE: Ahh, you mean you can’t very well take less!

MAD HATTER: Yes! You can always take more than nothing!

ALICE: But I only meant that...

MAD HATTER: And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you. Uh, won’t you tell us all about it?

MARCH HARE: Start at the beginning.

MAD HATTER: Yes, yes! And when you come to the end, hehehe, stop! See?

ALICE: Well, it all started while I was sitting in the garden with Dinah.

MARCH HARE: Very interesting. Who’s Dinah?

ALICE: Why, Dinah is my cat. You see...

DORMOUSE: Cat?

MARCH HARE: Hurry! Give the jam! Quickly! On his nose! Put it on his nose!

MAD HATTER: On his nose, on his nose!

DORMOUSE: Where’s the cat...

MAD HATTER: Oh. Oh, my goodness! Those are the things that upset me!

MARCH HARE: See all the trouble you’ve started?

ALICE: But really, I didn’t think...

MARCH HARE: Ah, but that’s the point! If you don’t think, you shouldn’t talk!

MAD HATTER: Clean cup! Clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!

ALICE: But I still haven’t used....

MAD HATTER: Move down, move down, move down, move down... And now my dear, as you were saying?

ALICE: Oh, yes. I was sitting on the riverbank with uh... with you know who...

MAD HATTER: I do, hehehe?

ALICE: I mean my C - A - T...

MAD HATTER: Tea?

MARCH HARE: Just half a cup if you don’t mind.

MAD HATTER: Come, come my dear. hehehe! Don’t you care for tea?

ALICE: Why, yes, I’m very fond of tea, but...

MARCH HARE: If you don’t care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation!

ALICE: Well, I’ve been trying to ask you...

MARCH HARE: I have an excellent idea! Let’s change the subject! How about a nice cup of tea?

ALICE: A nice cup of tea, indeed! Well, I’m sorry, but I just haven’t the time!

MARCH HARE: The time, the time! Who’s got the time?

WHITE RABBIT: No, no, no, no! No time, no time, no time! Hello, goodbye! I’m late! I’m late!

ALICE: The white rabbit!

WHITE RABBIT: Oh, I’m so late! I’m so very very late!

MAD HATTER: Well, no wonder you’re late! Why, this clock is exactly two days slow!

WHITE RABBIT: Two days slow?

MAD HATTER: Of course you’re late. Hahaha! My goodness. We’ll have to look into this. A-ha! I see what’s wrong with it! Why, this watch is full of wheels!

WHITE RABBIT: Oh, my good watch! Oh, my wheels! My springs! But- but- but- but, but- but- but...

MAD HATTER: Butter! Of course, we need some butter! Butter!

MARCH HARE: Butter!

WHITE RABBIT: But- but- butter?

MAD HATTER: Butter, oh, thank you, butter. Ha ha. Yes, that’s fine.

WHITE RABBIT: Oh no no, no no no you’ll get crumbs in it!

MAD HATTER: Oh, this is the very best butter! What are you talking about?

MARCH HARE: Tea?

MAD HATTER: Tea! Oh, I never thought of tea! Of course!

WHITE RABBIT: No!

MAD HATTER: Tea! hehehe

WHITE RABBIT: No! Not tea!

MARCH HARE: Sugar?

MAD HATTER: Sugar. Two spoons, yes, ha, two spoons. Thank you, yes.

WHITE RABBIT: Oh, please! Be careful!

MARCH HARE: Look at that! It’s going mad!

ALICE: Oh, my goodness!

WHITE RABBIT: Oh dear!

MARCH HARE: It is going mad! Mad watch!

MAD HATTER: I don't understand, it's the best butter.

MARCH HARE: There’s only one way to stop a mad watch!

And he takes a hammer and hits the watch with it.

WHITE RABBIT: Oh, my watch...

MAD HATTER: It was?

WHITE RABBIT: And it was an unbirthday present too.

MARCH HARE: Well, in that case...

MARCH HARE & MAD HATTER: A very merry unbirthday to you!

And the white rabbit quickly disappears from the stage.

ALICE: Mister Rabbit! Oh, mister Rabbit! Oh, now where did he go to? (And she goes after him leaving the March Hare and the Mad Hatter singing their unbirthday song.)

END OF ACT 9

ALICE IN WONDERLAND - PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010 - ACT 8

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010

ACT 8

Alice appears on the stage with the two pieces of mushroom in her two hands.

ALICE: Goodness... I wonder if I’ll ever get to see the white rabbit again. Hmmm... I better save these. (And she puts the two pieces of mushroom inside her pockets) Now let’s see, where was I? Hmmm, I wonder which way I ought to go...

CHESHIRE CAT: Uh... loose something?

ALICE: Oh! Hehe, Oh uhhh... hehe... I- I was... no, no, I- I- I- I mean, I uhh... I was just wondering...

CHESHIRE CAT: Oh uhh, that’s quite all right! Oh, hrmm, one moment please... Oh!

ALICE: Why, why you’re a cat!

CHESHIRE CAT: A Cheshire Cat.

ALICE: Oh, wait! Don’t go, please!

CHESHIRE CAT: Very well.

ALICE: Oh no no no... thank you, but- but I just wanted to ask you which way I ought to go.

CHESHIRE CAT: Well, that depends on where you want to get to.

ALICE: Oh, it really doesn’t matter, as long as I c...

CHESHIRE CAT: Then it really doesn’t matter which way you go! Ah-hmm.... Oh, by the way, if you’d really like to know, he went that way.

ALICE: Who did?

CHESHIRE CAT: The white rabbit.

ALICE: He did?

CHESHIRE CAT: He did what?

ALICE: Went that way!

CHESHIRE CAT: Who did?

ALICE: The white rabbit!

CHESHIRE CAT: What rabbit?

ALICE: But didn’t you just say... I mean... oh dear!

CHESHIRE CAT: However, if I were looking for a white rabbit, I’d ask the Mad Hatter.

ALICE: The Mad Hatter? Uh... no, no, I do- I do...

CHESHIRE CAT: Or, there’s the March Hare. In that direction.

ALICE: Oh, thank you. I- I think I shall visit him.

CHESHIRE CAT: Of course, he’s mad too.

ALICE: But I don’t want to go among mad people!

CHESHIRE CAT: Oh, you can’t help that. Almost everyone is mad here. Ha... ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that I’m not all there myself.... hahaha... (and he leaves the stage laughing and leaving Alice alone).

ALICE: Goodness. If the people here are like that, I- I must try not to upset them. How very curious!

END OF ACT 8

ALICE IN WONDERLAND - PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010 - ACT 7

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010

ACT 7

Alice appears on the stage. In the middle there is a big mushroom and on the mushroom there is a caterpillar smoking and singing.

CATERPILLAR: Aaaa, a e i o u aaaaa, a e i o u aaaaa, a e i o u aaaaa,... Who are you?

ALICE: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...

CATERPILLAR: I do not see. Explain yourself.

ALICE: Why, I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir, because I’m not myself, you know...

CATERPILLAR: I do not know.

ALICE: Well, I can’t put it anymore clearly because it isn’t clear to me!

CATERPILLAR: You? Who are you?

ALICE: Well, don’t you think you ought to tell me- cough-cough, cough-cough, who you are first?

CATERPILLAR: Why?

ALICE: Oh dear. Everything is so confusing.

CATERPILLAR: It is not.

ALICE: Well, it is to me.

CATERPILLAR: Why?

ALICE: Well, I can’t remember things as I used to, and...

CATERPILLAR: Recite.

ALICE: Hmm? Oh! Oh, oh, yes, sir! Um... how doth the little busy bee, improve each such...

CATERPILLAR: Stop! That is not spoken correctically. It goes: how... (Alice starts laughing and she interrupts him)

CATERPILLAR: Hmm! How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail. And pour the waters of the Nile, on every golden scale. How cheer... how cheer... Ahem! (Alice

ALICE: Well I must say I’ve never heard it that way before...

CATERPILLAR: I know, I have improved it.

ALICE: Well, cough-cough, if you ask me...

CATERPILLAR: You? Huh, who are you?

ALICE: Cough-cough, cough-cough, A-choo! Oh! (She starts leaving very angrily)

CATERPILLAR: You there! Girl! Wait! Come back! I have something important to say!

ALICE: Oh dear. I wonder what he wants now. Well...?

CATERPILLAR: Keep your temper!

ALICE: Is that all?

CATERPILLAR: No. Exactically, what is your problem?

ALICE: Well, it’s exactica-, exacti-, well, it’s precisely this: I should like to be a little bigger, sir.

CATERPILLAR: Why?

ALICE: Well, after all, three inches is such a horrible height, and...

CATERPILLAR: I am exactically three inches high, and it is a very good height indeed!

ALICE: But I’m not used to it. And you needn’t shout! Oh dear!

CATERPILLAR: By the way, I have a few more helpful hints. One side will make you grow taller...

ALICE: One side of what?

CATERPILLAR: ...and the other side will make you grow shorter.

ALICE: The other side of what?

CATERPILLAR: The mushroom, of course!!

And the caterpillar becomes a butterfly and flies away.

ALICE: Hmm. One side will make me grow... but which is which? Hmm. After all that’s happened, I- I wonder if I... I don’t care. I’m tired of being only three inches high. (She takes a piece of mushroom from each side and leaves the stage.)

END OF ACT 7

ALICE IN WONDERLAND - PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010 - ACT 6

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

PLAYSCRIPT - MAY 2010

ACT 6

Alice appears in a garden full of living flowers.

ALICE: I’ll never catch him while I’m this small. Why curious butterflies!

ROSE: You mean bread-and-butterflies.

Alice looks around but she sees nobody.

ALICE: Oh, yes, of course, I... hmm? Now who do you suppose... Ah, a horse fly! I mean, a- a rocking horse fly!

ROSE: Naturally!

She looks again around and sees nobody.

ALICE: I beg your pardon, but uhh... did you... oh, that’s nonsense. Flowers can’t talk.

ROSE: But of course we can talk, my dear.

SNAP-DRAGON: If there’s anyone worth talking to.

MARGUERITE: Or about! Hahahaha!

VIOLET: And we sing too!

ALICE: You do?

TULIP: Oh, yes. Would you like to hear ‘Tell it to the tulips’?

VIOLET: No, let’s sing about me! I know one about the shy little violets...

TULIP: Oh, no, not that old thing! Let’s do ‘Lovely lily at the valley’!

MARGUERITE: How about the daisies in the...

SNAP-DRAGON: Oh, she wouldn’t like that!

ROSE: Girls, girls! We shall sing: ‘Golden afternoon’. That’s about all of us! Sound your A, tulips!

TULIP: Laaaa...laaaa laaaa

VIOLET: Mimimimmimimiiiiiii...

MARGUERITE: Lalalala...

SNAP-DRAGON: Hahahahahahaha...

ROSE: Poem, poepoem, poem, poempoempoempoem....

FLOWERS: Little bread-and-butterflies kiss the tulips, and the sun is like a toy balloon. There are get up in the morning glories, in the golden afternoon. There are dizzy daffodils on the hillside, strings of violets are all in tune, Tiger lilies love the dandy lions, in the golden afternoon, the golden afternoon. There are dog and caterpillars and a copper centipede, where the lazy daisies love the very peaceful life they lead... You can learn a lot of things from the flowers, for especially in the month of June. There’s a wealth of happiness and romance, all in the golden afternoon. ... All in the golden afternoon, the golden afternoon...

ALICE: Oh, that was lovely.

ROSE: Thank you, my dear.

MARGUERITE: What kind of garden do you come from?

ALICE: Well I don’t come from any garden...

MARGUERITE: Oh, do you suppose she’s a wild flower?

ALICE: Oh no, I’m not a wild flower...

ROSE: Just what specie, or shall we say, genus, are you, my dear?

ALICE: Well, I suppose you call me a genus, humanus, eh... Alice!

MARGUERITE: Ever seen an Alice with a blossom like that?

SNAP-DRAGON: Come to think of it, did you ever see an Alice?

VIOLET: Yes, and did you notice her petals? What a peculiar color!

MARGUERITE: And no fragrance!

TULIP: Hahaha! Just look at those stems!

SNAPDRAGON: Rather bony, I would say.

ALICE: But I’m not a flower!

SNAP-DRAGON: Aha! Just as I suspected! She’s nothing but a common mobile vulgaris!

FLOWERS: Oh no!

ALICE: A common what?

SNAP-DRAGON: To put it bluntly: a weed!

ALICE: I’m not a weed!

TULIP: Well, you wouldn’t expect her to admit it.

ROSE: Can you imagine!

MARGUERITE: Well, goodness!

VIOLET: Don’t let her stay here and go to seed!

TULIP: Go away now!

ROSE: Please, girls...

VIOLET AND TULIP: We don’t want weeds in our bed!

ALICE: Oh, all right, if that’s the way you feel about it. If I were my right size, I could pick every one of you if I wanted to! That would teach you! (And she leaves the stage very offended.)

END OF ACT 6